


And It Tips Me Off (Your Heartbeat; Soft)

by wearenotsaints



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, I don't mean it I really know nothing about her, Loads of Angst, M/M, Multi, OT5, better endings, except not really Zayn is miserable, if I ruled the world the boys would always be together, lying is the most fun a guy can have with his clothes on, sorry to Perrie fans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-04
Updated: 2014-01-04
Packaged: 2018-01-07 10:11:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1118659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wearenotsaints/pseuds/wearenotsaints
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nine times Zayn lied to the people he cared about, one time he told the truth to his boys and one truth his boys told him</p>
            </blockquote>





	And It Tips Me Off (Your Heartbeat; Soft)

10) "I don't think I love you anymore," Zayn doesn't say into the stale air of his bedroom, Perrie curled up against his side. Her blonde hair is fanned out across the pillowcase; the superhero ones Liam bought him almost three years ago. When everything was new and overwhelming. "I don't think I love you anymore and I haven't for a while," Zayn doesn't whisper into the shell of this pretty girl's ear. Just furls and unfurls his fingers in the worn material of his sheets and tries to remember how to breathe. Tries to remember how he got here in the first place. Because his life is starting to feel more and more like a movie on fast forward. He closes his eyes in one place, wakes up in another, hundreds of miles away. And all the faces, all the scenery, all the things he sees playing on the backs of his eyelids are starting to bleed together. Zayn's not really sure what his reality is anymore. Finds himself forgetting. Losing track of the order all the pictures of his life are supposed to go in.  
"Marry me." Zayn says instead in the morning, with the sunlight slanting across the floorboards and streaking Perrie's hair in shades of gold he's used to seeing on someone else. "Marry me?" Zayn asks and Perrie kisses him without leaving a bruise and he wants to tell her she's doing it wrong. But he doesn't say that either.

  
9) "I didn't mean it," Zayn doesn't tell their management team after news of the engagement has broke. "I didn't mean it and I want to take it back," Zayn doesn't dare utter when Simon claps him on the back and offers his congratulations. Simon's smile is sharp, reminding Zayn of the sharks he saw scuba diving with Louis in Hawaii. Wonders if Cowell thinks of him as just another meal; another unsuspecting victim in this fucked up circle of life. Zayn hunches his shoulders up around his ears before dropping them back down, squaring them and trying to sit up taller. Look a little less vulnerable. A little less lost. He smiles; hopes it hasn't come out crooked.  
"Thank you, Uncle Simon," Zayn says instead and swallows down the bile the words force up in the back of his throat.

8) "How do you make it work?" Zayn doesn't ask Louis after watching him load Eleanor into a cab with a lingering kiss and an enthusiastic wave. "How do you love her and us without it eating you up inside?" Zayn doesn't add when Louis sweeps back into the house and knocks Harry from his perch on the arm of the sofa and on top of Niall and Liam. Sprawling them out in a tangle of limbs, effectively disrupting the FIFA tournament taking place. Louis' cackling away as Niall digs his fingers into the spot below Louis' ribs, tickling mercilessly, while Harry peppers kisses across whatever available bit of skin he can get at; the inside of Liam's elbow, the cut of Niall's jaw, the back of Louis' head. Zayn watches this exchange and feels a tightness in the space around his heart. Feels it expand when the commotion on the couch stops and four pairs of eyes land on him curled up in the window seat. Feels it contract painfully when they tumble onto the floor and scramble over each other in an impromptu race to get to him first. Liam wraps a hand around Zayn's ankle and tugs till he gives in and topples onto Niall, twines his fingers in Harry's curls and feels the press of Louis' frame against his back.  
"You're mad. The whole lot of you," Zayn laughs instead, from the middle of their dog pile, "Absolutely mad," he finishes and thinks he sounds genuine enough.

7) "I'm not okay," Zayn doesn't tell Niall when the Irishman points out that he's been awfully quiet lately, "I'm not okay with the direction my life is going in," Zayn doesn't say because he's afraid Niall will think he means the band and their music and _them_ , when really that's the opposite of what he means. Because Niall, Harry, Liam and Louis are the only pieces of the puzzle that still fit and Zayn's terrified of losing them. Of saying or doing something that pushes them away for good. He knows he's been distant, can feel himself drifting farther and farther away in the messy sea of his head but he **can't stop**. Knows he's drowning on his own but is too stubborn to ask for the life preserver.  
"Just tired," Zayn says with a noncommittal shrug instead. And if Niall gives him a skeptical look before nodding and asking if Zayn wants to sneak a smoke with him, well then Zayn doesn't actually have to think about how he just swam himself a little farther away from the promise of dry land.

6) "Am I selfish?" Zayn doesn't ask Liam on the third night he shows up outside the single room Zayn's scored for their week off. "Because I think I am, but I can't tell anymore." Zayn doesn't mumble when Liam crowds him back against the wall--the door closing with a quiet snick behind them--and brackets him in with arms on either side of Zayn's head. Liam noses at his jaw, laves his tongue across the skin of Zayn's neck when he angles his head to allow Liam more access.  
"Want you," Liam slurs, working a knee between Zayn's thighs and rutting into him, all sloppy and deliberate. Zayn closes his eyes and lets his head fall back against the plaster with a thud, groans when Liam drops a large hand to palm at Zayn roughly through the denim of his jeans.  
"You have me," Zayn pants instead and pushes off the wall, walks them backwards until Liam falls down onto the bed and Zayn crawls up over him. Fingers working at buttons and flies; figures that if he can get Liam naked quick enough, that he'll be able to distract himself from the fact that he's going to have to give this up. From the fact that he really, _really_ doesn't think he can.

5) "Where do you see us in five years?" Zayn doesn't shout at Harry over the thrum of music bleeding through the speakers at the Little Comets concert they snuck out in order to see. "Where do you see _yourself_ in five years?" Zayn doesn't ask, just chases the lemon wedge at the bottom of his Long Island ice tea with his straw and lets Harry pull him away from the bar and into the writhing mass of bodies in front of the stage.  
" _With all your quintessential skint potential leaking from your pores. Let your tiptoes tell your finger that this is a dancing song_." The lead singer croons into the mic and Zayn watches, transfixed, as Harry sways and jumps and loses himself in the swell of the beat. He's envious of the carefree, selfless way in which Harry moves, thinks that if his heart weren't so damn heavy below his ribs that he might be able to dance like his younger bandmate; or maybe if he were drunker. But as Zayn's turning to make his way back to the bar, Harry closes his fingers around the dark haired man's wrist, twirls him under the long expanse of his arm and throws his own head back to laugh, curls a wild halo around his face.  
"Leave it on the dance floor Z!" Harry yells, all wide green eyes and Cheshire Cat grin. Zayn can't remember the last time the urge to kiss Harry stupid felt so all consuming, tries to channel it into the unrestrained stamp of his feet and the pump of his fist above his head instead. Figures that even if he hasn't told Harry just what it is he's leaving here, that he's still leaving it all the same.

4) "Tell me I'm too young to get married," Zayn doesn't say to his mother when she calls him for their weekly chat. "Tell me I'm making a mistake," Zayn doesn't beg as she fills him in on the latest news from home. About Safaa's dance recital and Doniya's new job; the dog they're thinking of getting and that his father'd jokingly suggested they name "Zen"; to replace the hole their only son left behind. Zayn laughs a second too late and his mother pauses, asks if he's distracted from all the attention about him and Perrie. Zayn shakes his head before he remembers that she can't see him and clears his throat once, twice, before he's finally able to choke out a yes. Patricia pauses again, longer this time, and Zayn stills, finds himself vainly hoping that she'll say what he wants so badly to hear. But nothing seems to be going the way he wants lately and when she does speak again, it's only to ask if they've set the date.  
"Not yet," Zayn sighs instead and tries not to feel the strong sting of disappointment like a bullet through his chest.

3) "I want them to mob me to death," Zayn doesn't point out to Paul when he's trying--unsuccessfully--to navigate the lot of them through the crush of fans outside the outlet mall Louis just had to insist they stop at on their way through Iowa. Or North Dakota. Or whatever fuckin' Midwest state they're performing in. Zayn can't bring himself to care enough to remember anymore. Just gets on the bus, on the stage, smiles for the cameras and answers questions in interviews the way he's been told to. Slings an arm around Liam's shoulder and sings back at Harry during concerts. Plays footie with Niall and Louis in back lots and sneaks out to buy cheap beer and cigarettes when he doesn't think anyones looking. He texts Perrie and calls when he can and does his best to feel as little as possible at all times. "I want them to mob me to death so I don't have to do it myself," Zayn doesn't say because those are the kinds of words that get him put back on antidepressants and daily phone calls with a therapist named Dr. Swan and earn him worried looks from everyone else. Like he's going to break if they move too fast or speak too loud. So instead, Zayn ducks his head and keeps his mouth shut against the scream buildingbuilding **building** in his chest.

2) "I'm going to call it off," Zayn doesn't say in an interview where the majority of the questions seem to be about him and his engagement. "I'm going to call it off and I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about it," Zayn doesn't say, just grins and dodges the question with his trademark smirk and presses his burning cheek to Louis' shoulder. Lets Niall pet the dark hair at the nape of his neck and feels Harry's laugh vibrate through the back of the couch while Liam tactfully distracts the interviewer with an anecdote about Niall, Josh and a bet that involved a jar full of mayonnaise.  
"It's a big part in this chapter of my life," Zayn answers instead when the final question is inevitably directed back to him, "And I'm glad my four best mates are going to be apart of it." He tries not to vomit when the interviewer coos in response and books it for the bathroom as soon as they wrap.

1) "I'm scared this won't last much longer," Zayn admits in the back of the tour bus during the hazy wash of their after show ritual, "I'm afraid of who I am without you guys," Zayn finally breathes into the damp air around them and finds that he's shaking. That he can't seem to stop because he's finally voiced the fear that has been tearing him apart since he slipped up and asked Perrie to marry him instead of telling her it was over. And Zayn knows it's better out in the open, where the four people he trusts most in this world can help him pick his words apart. Can help him decide what valid bits to keep and chuck the rest away. But he still can't help the surge of anger and self hatred that washes over him, the voice in his head telling him that he's nothing but weak _weak **weak**_ for his honesty and now he'll have to pay for it. Zayn's not really sure he's ready for the fall out.

0) "This will last as long as you want it to, you twat," Louis says, eyebrow arched like a challenge in the same moment that Harry wraps himself bodily around Zayn, wiggling around until Zayn's afraid he'll get rug burn on all the exposed parts of his skin--on account of how Harry's not even wearing pants, though it's expected after all the sex they've just been having. While Niall crows triumphantly from where he's spread out on the couch in his boxers and shouts something in his thick post orgasm drawl that sounds suspiciously like "mental, that one," And Zayn's about to protest when Liam kisses him quiet, pulls back and looks at him all serious faced and deep brown eyes.  
"You're Zayn Malik," Liam whispers fiercely, " _Our_ Zayn Malik. And that's not going to change just because you get married or we break up as a band. You'll still be ours, even when you don't want us anymore," he finishes and Zayn bites back a sob. Tell them all, with hands on skin and lips on lips and then with words that don't grate his throat raw on their way out, that he won't ever stop. That he knows he couldn't, even if he wanted to.

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooooooo spent all day being a recluse and writing...I feel insane but I think it's worth it. Ended up taking it in a much different direction than I originally planned but I still like it. As always, let me know what you think.


End file.
